In It For The Mouthfeel
Before The Bleeding Hearts Changed It, The Original Ending Of "Frosty The Snowman" Involved Him Absorbing The Children, And When He Melted Only Their Fillings Remained
Despite Rumors To The Contrary, I Am Not, In Fact, A "Punk Ass Bitch"
Thinking I Was Having A Moment Of Truth, I Quickly Remembered We Live In A Post-Truth World, Thus I Was Able To Check Myself Before I Wrecked Myself
The Exhibition Of Unnatural Instincts Amidst The Death Throes Of Democracy
Existence Tastes Sweetest Between The Hammer And The Anvil
The 56-acre No-kill Sanctuary For Oprah's Ex-assistants
The Wheels Of Justice May Turn Slowly, But As Of Late It Seems Like They're Just Taking Their Sweet Ass Time
My Therapist Keeps Referring To My Modest Hopes And Goals As "A Glittering World Of Make Believe"
I Will Put You Down As A Soft Maybe
Getting Into A Pissing Contest With The Queen Of Halloween Is A Sure-Fire Way To Find Yourself Torn Asunder
One In Three Latchkey Kids Are Involved In Afterschool Cockfighting Rings
Coup De Grace As A Philosophy Of Life
Fairy Stories And Legendary Tales Told In The Darkest Of Dystopian Nights, On The Shore Of A Rising Sea
I Had Something Of A Come-To-Jesus Moment When I Realized God Wasn’t Real
I Hail From The Great Commonwealth Of Massachusetts—Please Allow Me To Regale You With A Few Colloquial Vulgarisms
I’ll Concede Gwyneth Paltrow’s Daily Bowel Evacuation Regimen Is Alluring—Even Inspiring—I Just Don’t Consider It Appropriate Dinner Conversation
In A Last-Ditch Effort To Get The Attention Of My Estranged Adult Children, I Have Resorted To Dancing My Ass Off On The Tik Tok
In The Leaf Litter, Something Tries To Hide Its Own Heartbeat
Instruments Of Defense And Attack
Mom Dragging Me To Her Topless Maid Appointments Afforded Me A Fascinating Glimpse Into The World Of Mopes And Shitheels
Purifying Angel Of The Decomposing Carcass
She Drunkenly Approached Me In A Bar, Asked If I Would "Do Her A Rudeness"–And Your Mother And I Have Been Together Ever Since
She Never Looked Lovelier Than When Stumbling Up To A Late Night Drive Thru And Starting An Altercation
The Dreadfully Delightful Existence Of Semi-Spectral Things
Trying To Remember The Title Of The Beatrix Potter Book About The Wee Mouse Who Lived In A Pub, Fell Into A Pint And Wound Up Completely Off His Tits
Prolonging Revenge Through Reincarnation